A Parody of Reverend Lowery's Inaugural Benediction

The original benediction:

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around -- (laughter) -- when yellow will be mellow -- (laughter) -- when the red man can get ahead, man --(laughter) -- and when white will embrace what is right.

And my benediction...

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day...

When the Taliban are not Sacred Cows again.

When political correctness will not infect us.

When our Constitution trumps Congress' intrusion.

When our gas will not be taxed.

When the dead man does not give up his bread, man.

When our president is born a resident.

When a platitude has some facts, dude.

When family values trumps tranny values.

When the Left will not resort to theft.

When the Center will choose a gender.

And when the Right will put up a fight.

Amen!

Prison vs. Work

I haven't been in the mood to post anything serious, lately. I've had this sitting around in my hard drive, and can't wait to delete it. Having said that, you may end up doing the exact same thing. After reading this, you will realize that crime does pay after all - as long as you turn yourself in.

IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share the toilet with some people whopee on the seat.

IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON ... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON ... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK ... they are called managers.

For as tempting as it is, I advise you not to get locked up. If too many of us get locked up, too few will be left to pay the expenses.

The Savage Franken Show

Every so often, I have to flaunt my artistic abilities in a considerably neurotic manner. Given that the Fairness Doctrine has been making the headlines, this is one of those times.

I had to wonder – what if we rounded up two of the most despised hosts in talk radio, put them in a studio, and let them fight it out? Unfortunately, I don’t have the hit squad to arrange such a meeting, so I did the next best thing – gathering various quotes, taking them out of context, and fomenting the same brand of satire they do – in a fictional dialogue that would have been golden for drama class.

Who best to feature but the bankrupt Air America’s Al Franken, a self-proclaimed satirist, and Michael Savage, the loose cannon of the Talk Radio Network, who describes himself as “a bit of Plato, Henry Miller, Jack Kerouac, Moses, Jesus, and Frankenstein?”

For as outrageous as this fictional meeting is, I couldn’t imagine the civility factor to get any better if you put the two of them in the same studio together.


Here's the video:




Here's the script:

MICHAEL SAVAGE: By what Jimmy Carter has been doing, he is basically fomenting anti-Semitism. He is gonna turn the world against the Jews. The entire world will be turned against the Jews, because Jimmy Carter is a lying, anti-Semitic pig. Now, write that down. Make sure that Media Matters gets that correctly. That group of swine at Media Matters, who take me out of context. Make sure you don't take this one out of context: Jimmy Carter is an anti-American, anti-Semitic swine.

AL FRANKEN: I have to tell you that I get anti-semitic all the time. I mean, just constantly. You know, "Dear Jew-face, you're a dumb Jew 'f'," you know, "Jesus Christ is gonna come down and 'f' you in your stupid Jew rectum," you know, that kind of -- all the time.

SAVAGE: We keep hearing from Wolf Blitzer, the greatest quisling in the media's history. You know, --

FRANKEN: I think that --

SAVAGE: No, no, let me explain why Wolf Blitzer is so anti-Semitic. He doesn't want to appear too Jewish. So he's the worst of the bunch. He's the type who would have let children into the gas chamber in order to stay alive an extra day, in my estimation. The little, bearded Wolfy boy.

FRANKEN: I don't think so.

SAVAGE: He's probably the most despicable man in the media next to Larry King, who takes a close runner-up by the hair of a nose. The two of them together look like the type that would have pushed Jewish children into the oven to stay alive one more day to entertain the Nazis.

FRANKEN: So we're not that much dumber than the rest of the world.

SAVAGE: [Quoting Marcus Tullius Cicero] "A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely. -- "

FRANKEN: [Imitating Rush Limbaugh] "75% of all, uh, Americans on the minimum wage, my friend, are teenagers in their first job."

SAVAGE: I can't take this crap anymore.

FRANKEN: I was this mirror image of Rush Limbaugh.

SAVAGE: Why is he even taken seriously? Why don't the Jews get up and spit in his face?

FRANKEN: Okay everybody, I gotta go.

Why Does Rush Feel Liberated?

"I feel liberated, ladies and gentlemen, because I feel like I don't have to carry the water for people that I think don't deserve to have their water carried."

This was Limbaugh’s reaction to the 2006 mid-term election results.

Now, let’s look at those who supposedly liberated Rush with their defeats – Rick Santorum, Jim Talent, Mike DeWine, George Allen, and others who have been loyal to conservative ideas. Sure, nobody cares to defend Allen’s “macaca” comment. For as close it was, it’s evident that it cost him not only the election, but much more. His defeat symbolically gave the Democrats control of the Senate. Not to mention, he has lost support as a possible 2008 candidate.

Rush has insisted that his comments were grossly taken out of context. On his official site, he shines attention to the fact that conservative talk show hosts get tired of sticking up for an empty suit who cannot lay out his agenda. Take the presidential debates, for example. In an e-mail from a fan, as Limbaugh cited, “I was scared every time Bush had a debate; the Democrats were scared every time Kerry had a debate.”

It's fair to say that Rush Limbaugh's popularity helped Republicans take back Congress in 1994. But it's also fair to suggest that his comments on Michael J. Fox's ad campaign for embryonic stem cell research were harsh and silly. For as energized as the conservative base was over Kerry's slip of the tongue, Limbaugh made up for it by jumping the gun on Fox's "acting performance," giving undecided voters the impression that conservatives are insensative and arrogant towards those who have chronic medical conditions.